John Edwards is a cybersecurity professional, entrepreneur, and artisanal technologist. He has run large-scale web products, managed software development teams, and performed results-based security audits for small and medium-sized enterprises. He is passionate about cybersecurity and technology, and prefers working with small, growing companies. He holds a Masters in Computer Science from Columbia University, and a Bachelors from Princeton University in French and Italian Literature. A lifelong fitness enthusiast, he likes to box and play squash in his spare time.

Ugh, gross. I’m really sorry I made you read up that. I had to force myself to write it, like taking that shot of apple cider vinegar because you’re “trying to be healthy this year”.

Shall we give that another shot? Why don’t I break that paragraph down piece by piece.

Yes, my name is John Edwards. No relation. But my friends have been calling me “The Senator” or “Senator” since the eponymous presidential candidate from North Carolina fell from grace in 2009.

I am genuinely passionate about cybersecurity and privacy. Not like those people who write “passionate about node.js, pizza, and oxford commas.” Nobody gets passionate about Node (do they?), but also nobody gets as fired up as I do about security and privacy. I’m talking half-a-beer-and-I-rant-for-twenty-minutes-and-ruin-the-first-date passion. Parents worried about my sanity passion. Tin Foil Hat Passion.

How terrible is the description “Artisanal Technologist”? I only put that there because if you add spaces, artisanal becomes “Art is anal”, which made me laugh, at least.

If it isn’t abundantly clear, I despise the bland, corporate biographies we have to write. I haven’t decided if they’re better or worse than the short bios we see on social media. Like Twitter bios where people write one or two words with a period after each one. Mine would read something like “Entrepreneur. Polyglot. Writer. Team Leader. Squash Player. Coffee Enthusiast.” Why not skip it all and write “Brooklyn Douche.”?

If you want a play-by-play, you can head over to my resume. I once had a friend tell me that it looked like it had been “copied and pasted from a bunch of different peoples’ resumes”. I used to think that was a bad thing; now I think it’s an advantage. I’ve worked in renewable energy, project development, retail, fitness, weight loss, fashion, and cybersecurity.

I was the fast food correspondent for Serious Eats from 2010-2012-ish, and that was some of the most fun I’ve had on the internet. Other than that, I’d probably finish by saying I merely try to tell it like it is. Hopefully, you don’t mind a little straight dope.