On Snowden

Edward Snowden captured America’s attention this past month. The media followed him for most of June in a DiCaprian journey from Hawaii to Moscow. Live Muppet Julian Assange joined the fray as well, turning the NSA leak into the story of the summer. Putin wanted to stick a finger in our eye, hoping to then uncross his long enough for a photo op.

Within hours, the blogs combed through Snowden’s personal life with articles like “Edward Snowden’s girlfriend: Pole Dancing 10 or wanna-be ballerina 6?” We dragged the poor, heartbroken girl through the dark valley of the trolls. Speculation about Snowden’s motives, assistance, origins, and current allegiances abound.

The documents leaked to the press raised questions for some of us: “Does the NSA know I watch midget porn?” (Yes.) “Do they know I bought a turd that supposedly came from Stonewall Jackson’s ass?” (Almost certainly.)

Many Americans met the news with apathy, making ridiculous statments like “I don’t mind, because I have nothing to hide.” Somehow, those who utter statements like that probably do have something to hide. Nobody volunteers information like that without a guilty conscience, like the girl who declares, unprompted, “I’m not a slut, you know.” Sure you’re not.

I believe we ought to worry. Could the government be infringing upon our First, Fourth, and Fifth Amendment rights? It’s possible. Congress should investigate.

What troubles me most, though, is a sickening hypothetical scenario. What if, and I do thank everything holy this did not transpire, but what if Edward Snowden had said “The NSA plans to take your guns.”

Had he uttered those words, we’d be in a post-apocalyptic society right now.