Spam Comments

The Meatloaf turned two months old recently. I’m still a beginner, but already some of the particularities of blogging are starting to make me laugh. I feel I must share the delight of spam comments.

I use WordPress, with their off-the-shelf commenting system. I was so happy to see approximately twenty comments after one week of blogging. It turned out only one was authentic (my dad) and the rest were spam. Wordpress flags all of the spam comments and removes them before they appear. I opened the folder to delete them and looked at the first. It began with one of the oddest sentences the English language has ever seen.

In conclusion, what you should be sure is that Cialis can be an surrebutter to your problems if charmed carefully, along with the indications of your doctor.

Woah. I expected to find “An [sic] surrebutter” on Urban Dictionary, figuring it to be some sort of kinky perverted sex act. Lo and behold, Mirriam-Webster appeared first in Google Search Results: “surrebutter (n.) - the reply in common law pleading of a plaintiff to a defendant’s rebutter.”

Captivated by the grammar, and intrigued by the the fact that I didn’t know what a surrebutter was, I continued reading:

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Most of these comments were from some ilk of internet marketing. A guy promoting his book on “how to make chicks want you”, another offering discount Cialis, a third some sort of “get rich quick” scheme.

I kept reading the spam comments, and was delighted with what I found. This was another gem, whose formatting, capitalization, and punctuation I’ve chosen to preserve:

Pretty portion of content. I simply stumbled upon your site and in accession capital to say that I acquire in fact enjoyed account your blog posts. Anyway I’ll be subscribing to your feeds or even I success you get right of entry to persistently fast.

I like the alliteration of “simply stumbled”, and frankly think all men would love “right of entry to persistently fast”.

I don’t think of myself as a mean person, and I like to look for the best in people. So when I read a kind and eloquent comment (like the following), I often ask myself “What is wrong with the WordPress comment spam algorithm?”

I absolutely love your blog and find nearly all of your post’s to be what precisely I’m looking for. Does one offer guest writers to write content in your case? I wouldn’t mind composing a post or elaborating on a few of the subjects you write about here. Again, awesome web site!

And then you see that the commenter’s name is “nationofcannabis.com”.

My heart melts at their positivity…

Way cool! Some very valid points! I appreciate you writing this article plus the rest of the site is also very good.

… until I realize that no valid points were made in the video of a bear being shot out of a tree.

Some spam commenters post many lines of junk. Some remain cryptically terse, like pytnyahhezx@gmail.com:

around the solution to conserve

Who knows, maybe it’s flattery in Tajikistan, or wherever they hell they name people “pytnyahhezx”.

I feel bad laughing at commenters’ grammar, because they’re so darned positive. And the better the grammar, the more likely I might approve a spam post. I’ll admit, I’ve been tricked, like by this one.

You ought to be a part of a contest for one of the finest websites online. I’m going to recommend this website!

I thought for sure monique.underhill@gmail.com was legit. So I clicked through to her website.

Once the candy maker hаs a resolution аt “challenging crack” stage, apples οn sticks аre dipped into the resolution аnd established apart… Like what іs the syrup stage, difficult sweet stage gentle candy phase, soft crack phase, challenging crack phase аnd what аre the…

Dipped into the resolution and established apart? What is this nonsense? Monique, you scoundrel.

Of course, any spam comment that begins with …

Now, looking back at the recent weeks I’ve spent in albania

… you just feel obliged to approve.

It’s only the beginning for The Meatloaf, and I’m still learning about this “blogosphere”, but I’m certain there will be more of these gems, and I’ll be damned if you’ll miss out on a good laugh.