Candy Crush Addiction Test

Addiction is a serious matter. It can cause physical harm and mental anguish, destroy lives, and tear families apart. Many people around the world struggle with addiction on a daily basis. Though support networks exist for addictions to alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, and a host of other problems, the fastest growing group of addicts is of a very nascent substance: Candy Crush.

“I’m not addicted, I can stop any time I like.” Many a person before you thought or uttered these words. “Watch, I’ll delete it right now. There, it’s gone. No more Candy Crush.” Ok, you deleted the app. You know it’s connected to Facebook and that all of you progress is saved. It’s there, safely deposited in the Data Bank of Zuckerbergia.

The path to recovery begins with the first step: acceptance. You must first admit that you have a problem. But how do you know? Luckily, I’ve developed a simple test to help you determine your level of addiction. You will read the following series of statements. Your score starts at zero. For each true statement or statement you agree with, add one point to your score. At the end, you’ll be able to gauge your level of addiction.

  1. You have played the game Candy Crush.

  2. You have downloaded the game Candy Crush on your smartphone.

  3. You also have a tablet, and have downloaded Candy Crush on it as well.

  4. While reading the last three statements, you thought to yourself, “It’s Candy Crush SAGA, dumbass.”

  5. You paid to unlock an episode of Candy Crush.

  6. You connected your Candy Crush app to your Facebook account.

  7. Initially, you didn’t want to connect Candy Crush to Facebook, so you paid for an episode or two. Then you found out you could get them for free if you connected to Facebook and asked friends, so you went against your better judgement and connected them.

  8. You flipped out when you saw that Candy Crush was posting updates to your Facebook profile, and spent at least 15 minutes trying to figure out how the hell you change Facebook settings.

  9. You have friends who play Candy Crush.

  10. You have friends who play Candy Crush you haven’t spoken to in years, but give you lives and unlock episodes regularly.

  11. You have at least one friend whom you KNOW will give you a life or unlock an episode in under 10 minutes.

  12. You refer to playing the game as “crushing”.

  13. You have names for the special candies which are created by linking 4 or more regular candies of the same color. For example, “Striper”, “Exploder”, or “The Big Poop”.

  14. In one of your dreams, you were playing a massive game of Candy Crush.

  15. You look at things such as walls, murals, modern art, or bookcases and your mind starts to rearrange them in groups of three.

  16. Screw your mind, you’ve actually taken the books on your bookcase and rearranged them by color.

  17. You have played Candy Crush while in the bathroom.

  18. You’ve taken a break at work in order to play Candy Crush.

  19. You play Candy Crush while you work.

  20. You have sat down in the bathroom without your phone, only to realize you can’t play Candy Crush. You left the bathroom, found your phone or tablet (or both, because, let’s be honest, 5 lives times 2 devices is 10 lives) and returned to the toilet.

  21. You actually can’t poop without Candy Crush. You’ve tried, but you’re starting to think it’s a natural laxative.

  22. You’ve played Candy Crush after sex.

  23. You’ve faked a headache to play Candy Crush instead of sex.

  24. You’ve played Candy Crush during sex. (Oh, come on, you know you pretended to hear a text message and said to your partner “It’s a work email” or “It’s my sister, I’ll just respond really quickly.” Meanwhile, you were crushing.)

  25. You’ve had one hand free during foreplay and used it to play Candy Crush.

  26. Seeing a striped candy next to a wrapped candy makes you horny.

  27. An orgasmic sense of elation rushes over your body when you swap the striped candy and the wrapped candy.

  28. You’ve given your phone to a friend to beat a level for you.

  29. Swapping two chocolate candies with sprinkles is not as cool or as useful as it should be.

  30. You have three stars on all of the levels that you’ve played.

  31. One friend has higher scores than you on every level.

  32. You now hate that friend who has higher scores, but are simultaneously glad that s/he exists, because it makes you feel less pathetic.

  33. You’ve watched a “how to beat this level” video on YouTube

  34. Someone asked you what you were playing and you tried to explain. But, with each word, you grew more irritated that this person didn’t get it and was keeping you from finishing a level you’ve been trying to win for days.

  35. You have played Candy Crush while driving.

  36. You have purchased one of those absurdly expensive charms from the Yeti Shop.

  37. Whoever invented the growing chocolate squares is an asshole.

  38. Whoever invented the chocolate fan that produces chocolate squares without end is an even bigger asshole.

  39. You have shouted “I FUCKING HATE CANDY CRUSH!”

  40. After shouting “I FUCKING HATE CANDY CRUSH”, you immediately hit “Retry” and started playing again.

Have you been keeping track of your score? Here’s how you can determine your level of addiction:

  • 0-5: Congratulations, you are using Candy Crush in a healthy manner. Enjoy one of the best games around.

  • 6-10: Woah, there. It looks like you enjoy “crushing”. It’s possible you casual use could turn to addiction. Be careful.

  • 11-15: You have the telltale signs of an addict. You are a heavy user, and it’s starting to control your life.

  • 16-20: Full fledged addiction. You see dancing stripped and wrapped candies in your dream, and you likely have developed a tick that begins any time someone mentions “jelly”. It’s time to seek help.

  • 21-30: Seek help immediately. This could ruin your life.

  • More than 30: Do you have any tips for me on how to get two wrapped candies next to each other? It’s really fucking hard. Please email them to meatloafthe(at)gmail(dot)com?

UPDATED: If you liked this test, try Level 2.